unkempt ahmed

the main secretary at work is a lady we will call jane.  she is bubbly, middle-aged, full of energy, and apparently has a nickname for everyone.  shortly after i started working, she (let's be real: like so many others before her) fell in love with my hair.  after just a few short days of work the nickname was born: raggedy andy.

now, jane is just too nice of a person to be mean to, so i didn't quite have the heart to tell her that i don't like to be called any name other than ahmed.  day after day i would pass her office as i came/left work and jane would say, "have a good night, raggedy andy!"  sigh, someday i'll let you know how i feel about that name, jane.

anyway, last friday i got to work.  and as i opened the door to my office i legitimately had a minor heart attack.  there, sitting on my office chair with hands on the keyboard staring blankly at the computer was a life-sized raggedy andy doll.

it was seriously one of the creepiest things i've ever seen.  jane came into my office later to visit and said, "do you know how much trouble i had to go through to get that for you?  it was in a box in our basement underneath about 8 different boxes of storage.  i saw his shirt sticking out and knew that i had to bring it in for you!"

(sidebar: i have every thursday off from work.  apparently on thursday jane went up to different people in the office and said, "why don't you go say good morning to andy?"  everyone in the office would respond with something along the lines of "i'm pretty sure he has thursdays off" to which jane would say, "yeah, but i saw him in his office today!"  let's just say once they took a look into my office they were all equally as creeped out as well.)

so.  today at work i logged onto my computer and began some data analysis on a survey we are doing.  about 15 minutes into it my computer completely froze.  the page was just frozen: hitting control-alt-delete didn't do anything, pressing the power button didn't do anything, heck even unplugging it didn't do anything!!  so i went to our I.T. guy (we'll call him "sam") and asked for his help.  he told me a few keystrokes to push...and lo and behold my computer rebooted.  once it rebooted i reloaded the survey and began more data analysis.  literally about 10 minutes into it the computer did the same thing yet again.  so i went back to sam's office and asked if he could take a look at my computer.

sam: "what did you do?"
me: "i have no idea...i was just working on the survey when..."
sam, now shouting loudly: "you NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT PORN at work.  this is the FOURTH TIME i've caught you DOWNLOADING PORN on the job."

i'm pretty sure everyone in the office knew sam was joking...but at the same time, they all just stopped what they were doing and gave me weird looks.  it was awkward.

anyway, when we got to my office sam instantly noticed the raggedy andy doll (which jane has since moved into an upright sitting position on top of my filing cabinet.)

sam:  "what's with the doll?"
me: "jane gave me the nickname 'raggedy andy' but i don't quite have the heart to tell her how much i hate it..."
sam: "ahhhh, yes, jane giving out nicknames.  she has one for everyone.  she used to have one for me, too, but i know how to deal with her.  do you want me to make sure she doesn't call you that anymore?"
me: "how exactly do you go about making her stop it?"
sam: "well, you have to send a message."
me: "how?"
sam: "this is what you do.  when she's on her lunch break, deliver three garbage bags to her office desk: one with the doll's legs inside, one with the doll's torso inside, and one with its head inside.  then, be sure that you attach a note to the bags which reads, 'THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU FUCKIN' CALL ME RAGGEDY ANDY'."

yeah.  it was a pretty good day at work.