Sometimes I feel like this

i'm a great coach

so some of my wife's co-workers decided to do a fantasy football league.  they are all librarians and, frankly, don't know anything about football (much less fantasy football).  they only had 6 teams in the league, so you know that each team is stacked.  they also had a ridiculously large number of bench spots.  that being said, my wife asked if i'd give her a list of players so that she could have somewhat of an idea of what she should be doing on draft day.

i gave her some basic strategies (fill out roster, save dst and k for 2nd-to-last and last rounds, respectively, draft a handcuff, evaluate the value on the board).  basically, i have a VBD cheatsheet i made for my non-ppr leagues and made a general laundry list of players based on said VBD cheatsheet.  i just told her to draft the person with the highest value on the board provided that she didn't draft any backups prior to filling out her roster.  i won't go into any analysis, but this is her team:

QB: michael vick
RB: arian foster
RB: ray rice
WR: roddy white
WR: andre johnson
FLEX: greg jennings
TE: aaron hernandez
DST: baltimore
K: hartley
BN: eli manning
BN: matt ryan
BN: frank gore
BN: shonn greene
BN: bernard pierce
BN: aj green
BN: hakeem nicks
BN: jeremy maclin
BN: demariyus thomas
BN: vernon davis
BN: matt bryant

i think i smell a championship.

Bockmed's 2012 Fantasy Draft Recap #2

This evening, some of my cousins and one uncle gathered 'round the fictional table that is the internet and drafted our teams for the 4th year of our fantasy football league. When I got called out for escalating the pre-draft smack-talk, I simply had to remind the one who called me out that I am the reigning back-to-back-to-back champion of this league and as such, get to talk forever. It took a lot of luck and a couple good (it would be fair to call one unfair) trades to pull it off. The fantasy noobs among the family are now either gone or seasoned veterans at this point. The chances of another repeat are slimmer than ever. But I'll be damned if I don't try. Without further ado, the recap:

This league is a 12-teamer, standard lineup and scoring. I drafted in the 11th spot.

Round 1: RB, Maurice Jones-Drew
I think I said enough about MJD in my last post. I think this is right about where he should be taken, if not sooner. The only really notable thing about this round is that it included Cam Newton and Matthew Stafford, highlighting the trend (as I see it) of my family overvaluing QBs.

Round 2: WR, Larry Fitzgerald
I thought about taking Matt Forte. But I ranked Fitz in the same tier as Calvin Johnson, and I didn't want to miss out on the chance to have a solid base at the WR position. I wish he had another Kurt Warner throwing to him. But he's still the most fundamentally sound receiver in the game with excellent leaping ability and ball skills, making him both an excellent possession receiver and big play threat. When it comes down to it, it hasn't ever mattered who his QB is, he puts up numbers consistently, which is what I like to get out of my first couple picks. Being MN homers, AP went in this round.

Round 3: WR, Roddy White
If I liked him enough to grab in the middle of the second in a 10-teamer, you can imagine how giddy I was to select him at the end of the 3rd in a 12-teamer. I'm going to go on record as saying that Victor Cruz at pick 26 will end up proving to be one of the top 5 worst picks of the draft, especially considering, White, Welker, Marshall, Jennings, Julio Jones, Hakeem Nicks, and Andre Johnson were all still available, all of whom I LOVE compared to Cruz. I think at least 2, if not 4, of his big scoring plays last year were very fluky. Take those away and his numbers were like the Mike Wallace - Brandon Marshall cohort. I just don't think he has the talent to repeat that kind of year. Plus, it's damn near impossible to guess which guy Eli is going to be throwing to most in any given year.

Round 4: WR, Andre Johnson
He had fallen too far. I had to take him. I was really contemplating going with Fred Jackson, but I just had to take him. He belongs in the conversation for best (talent-wise) receiver in the NFL. I just don't know enough about what Fred's got in him after the injury last year (and getting older) and how the workload is going to get split in that backfield to not go with Andre. I just hope he can avoid the nagging injuries this year and play like he did in the playoffs.

Round 5: RB, Willis McGahee
If I knew I'd be landing Andre and Roddy, I would have taken Forte. Frankly, I needed sure RB points at this point. Aaron Hernandez was tempting. Apparently, one of my cousins hasn't figured out how to have consistent success in fantasy, as he again drafted a backup for every position and took San Fran's defense in this round.

Round 6:  QB, Eli Manning
I think it's safe to say I'm getting 4000+ yds and TDs approaching 30 with this pick. Not bad. He might go back to bad Eli and start throwing more picks again. But this is really the best I could do at QB. The other quality guys would be gone by the time I got to pick again. Also, the second defense went in this round.

Round 7: RB, Ahmed's boy, C.J. Spiller
It'll be interesting to see how he gets used this year. He was great in somewhat of a featured role in the last third of last year. I needed some RB depth and things were getting thin fast. He was the guy with the talent and potential to be huge and is already in a position to contribute at least something each week. Miles Austin and Aaron Hernandez are some potential steals from this round.

Round 8: TE, Fred Davis
He was on a nice pace last year. Then came the suspension. He's a little bit of a risk but he says he's changed his ways. Basically, I wanted to fill out my starting lineup before anything else and he was the best TE available.

Round 9: WR, Darrius Heyward-Bey
I think he's the best bet among the Oakland receiving corps to have a big year. If he doesn't turn out, it's fine, because I've got 3 guys who can very easily be top 10 receivers. First kicker taken.

Round 10: RB, Ryan Williams
From what I've heard, his legs are now held together by twigs and twine. The patellar tendon sounds like an awful thing to tear. But apparently he's got some talent and he's in the running for a starting job. Welcome to my bench. Way too many defenses and kickers taken at this point.

Round 11: RB, Pierre Thomas
One can only hope that the Saints will realize that Frenchy carries the ball a whole 1.2 yards further per carry than Mark Ingram does. Don't even try to tell me that that's because they carry the ball in different situations. It's because Mark Ingram is awful. He gets what is blocked and falls forward. Which is great if you're running a wishbone offense. He isn't even a better "goal line" runner than Frenchy. Oh well. Despite only getting about 10 touches a game he managed to scrape together almost 1000 total yards. I was desperate for some RB depth here.

Round 12: WR, Greg Little
I don't feel the need to back up Eli. I kinda wanted another receiver. He's the best (read: only) pass-catcher on his team. I'll take it.

Round 13: RB, Taiwan Jones
Darren McFadden isn't known for playing whole seasons. Taiwan Jones is firmly planted as his backup.

My lineup at a glance:
QB: Eli Manning
RB: MJD
RB: Willis McGahee
WR: Larry Fitzgerald
WR: Roddy White
TE: Fred Davis
flex: Andre Johnson
bench: C.J. Spiller, Darrius Heyward-Bey, Ryan Williams, Pierre Thomas, Greg Little, Taiwan Jones
DST: NYG
K: Alex Henery

I generally like this team. But unless I get really lucky on the waiver wire and/or make a significant trade, I don't think this team is built for a championship. I've gambled on trying to carry teams on the backs of WRs before. I think it may have been somewhat successful once. Every other time has been a horrible failure. I don't love my lack of RB depth. So I'm a little worried about that. I didn't realize that Fred Davis is one violation from a full-year suspension. In the end I think there are 2 or 3 teams that drafted better than me, and inevitably there will be 2 or 3 others that surprise you and remain dangerous competition all season. This should be fun.

Open wide

because your face is about to be "glazed" by the massive nerdgasm that is this post.

First: "Science"

I don't know if any of you have ever seen The Slo-Mo Guys on YouTube, but they do some cool vids with, you guessed it, a really expenseive "slow motion" camera that is capable of shooting thousands of frames per second in super high resolutions. Watch this slinky's center of gravity accelerate at 1 g, while the slinky as a whole conserves its total energy. ooooooooooh. science.

In other "science" news. I'm back at my old job at NOvA, building modules for a massive neutrino detector being constructed in Ash River, MN. I'm not entirely happy about it. But there's still enough familiar faces (and some of the new ones seem alright) to make it a fun workplace at times. And it puts money in the bank. So far the most frustrating part is being treated like a newbie by kids with half the experience there that I have. It was refreshing to hear one of them say, "You've worked here before, haven't you?"

More nerdiness inbound...

Some of you know that I'm a bit of a gamer. Well, lately (more like for the last half year) I've been playing a lot of Battlefield 3. This summer, I came across a community (know as Global Conflict, or GC for short) on the interwebs that, long story short, plays out one turn of a gigantic game of risk each saturday, with the battles over territory being fought out in 32 vs 32 matches in Battlefield 3. The players come from all over the world and after getting familiar with a few of them from voice chat on battle days and various forum posts, we managed to put together a ten-team fantasy football league...

which leads me to my first fantasy football draft recap of the season. 

The league setup is very standard: ten teams, standard scoring, standard line up (QB, 2x RB, 2x WR, TE, W/R/T, K, DST). Most of the managers are fairly knowledgeable about NFL football and drafted well. A couple of guys missed the draft and got autodrafted teams, one guy, known around GC to be a bit of a flippant jokester, drafted a team of basically all backup quarterbacks, and refreshingly, one British bloke actually knew his stuff pretty well, engaging in such lively discussions as which Denver WR is going to have the better year. Without further ado, my draft:

Round 1: RB, LeSean McCoy

I had the fifth pick. After Arian, Ray, Rodgers and Brady went, I was pleasantly left with a very easy decision. I've always been high on McCoy. This will be the third year in a row that I will have owned him in at least one league. I think his TDs will regress some, but he might see more use as a receiver like in previous years. Barring injury, which he is great at avoiding, he's a lock to be a top 5 running back, which is exactly what I want to get when drafting in the middle of the first round.

Round 2: WR, Roddy White

The surprise of the round was seeing Jimmy Graham go with the first pick. I have to admit, I made a mistake here. Unfortunately, I was drafting from my laptop which lacks the screen real estate and mouse precision that I'm used to, making flipping back and forth between the yahoo applet and my own excel sheet of rankings a bit sluggish. I also have to say "fuck you" to Yahoo for being so shitty at producing rankings and projections. I failed to notice MJD still on the board because he was so low on Yahoo's ranks and I figured he should be gone by this point. I don't think his holdout will last long enough to keep him out of any games. I know he'll be in shape. I'm not concerned about injuries or his workload. He was the rushing champ last year. Not much else is different about his situation compared to last year. Oh well. I took the 4th wideout off the board (following Megatron, Fitz, and AJ Green(?)). Roddy is consistent. Despite how much I love Julio Jones' freakish talent, Roddy's chemistry with Matty Ice isn't going anywhere, he won't face as many double teams, and he's in better shape than he was last year. I can't be too mad about this pick.

Round 3: RB, Steven Jackson

I see his floor as about 1200 total yards, 6 TDs. Despite his history of nagging injuries, he plays through them. He is that offense. I see this as a safe, unexciting pick, which I'm ok with in the 3rd round with all of the other "safe" running backs gone, the top 5 QBs gone, the better half of the "high-risk, high-reward" running backs off the board and already having an elite receiver.

Round 4: RB, Adrian Peterson

I told myself that if I already had 2 good starting RBs and Adrian was still available, I'd be taking him as early as the 3rd. His potential is just too high. As much as I try to deny it, I'm a Vikings fan. He's a beast. He says he's fine. The coaches and training staff aren't going to let him play until they're confident he's as ready as he'll be. He can sit on my bench half the season for all I care. I like this pick. 

Round 5: QB, Michael Vick

Here's to getting the 2010 Michael Vick. He was a little bit of a disappointment last year, and also showed why he's considered an injury risk. But he did show that Vickish explosiveness when he was healthy and finished the season strong. I don't think this pick could break my team, but it could certainly make it. I wasn't totally enthralled with the remaining pass-catchers and have to say that I successfully beat the impending run on QBs (Ryan, both Mannings, and Tony Romo all taken in the next round and a half).

Round 6: WR, Dez Bryant

He's a freakish athlete. He has trouble staying on the field. But gosh he's a freakish athlete. I'm bad at adjectives. He could be a top-five receiver with a full productive season. Let's hope I play him the right weeks.

Round 7: WR, Vincent Jackson

Josh Freeman and the Bucs aren't about to open up an air-it-out offensive explosion any time soon. But Vincent Jackson makes big plays. He's the best receiver on the team. Not a very exciting pick. He could bring back some of his glory days of old. I think that's more likely than him completely sucking. 

Round 8: WR, Miles Austin

I could end up getting nothing but headaches from my 2nd-4th receivers. But seriously, Austin was a 3rd round pick last year. When he's healthy and Romo is clicking, there's only a handful of receivers that drop numbers like he does. Unfortunately that hasn't happened very often lately. And his porcelain hamstrings are already acting up. 

Round 9: RB, Willis McGahee

Would you like a running back in the 9th round who got 15-20+ carries in most games last year and accumulated over 1200 total yards? You could have stopped there and I'd have been sold. But not only did he get a major upgrade at QB, but he got one that doesn't steal his carries. And there aren't any backups who are going to challenge his role as the starter and short yardage back. 

Round 10: QB, Ben Roethlisberger

I don't always draft a backup QB, but when I do, it's because I drafted Michael Vick as my starter. Vick will probably miss games this year. When I saw that the last borderline starter quality QB was still available, I knew I had to take him or take whatever fodder was on the waiver wire at some point. 

Round 11: TE, Tony Gonzalez

I love Rob Gronkowski and Jimmy Graham... in the late second/third round. I like Gates, Hernandez, Davis, and Finley. But apparently other people like them more. It sucks to be the guy that autodrafted Jason Witten's deteriorating production and lacerated spleen (best wishes to Witten though. this is just a game after all and that's a very serious injury). After those guys it's you're pretty much getting the same vanilla TE. So I'll wait. and wait. and grab the steady Hall-of-Famer. He's basically going to catch the ball and fall down on the spot at this point in his career. He's lost a couple steps and some vertical leap to be sure. But his route running and hands are still tops in the game and should be good enough for 700 yds and 6 TDs with very little frustration.

Round 12: RB, Toby Gerhart

To be honest, I had forgotten about handcuffing Peterson. When he fell in my lap here, I was pleasantly surprised. He should be somewhat productive no matter how healthy Peterson is, which is nice.

Round 13: WR, Robert Meachem

I needed another backup receiver. He seemed to be the best available. I've never loved Meachem much, but at least now he should get consistent playtime and looks. Who knows? It's not like I "paid" much to get him.

Rounds 14 and 15. NE Defense and Kicker Rob Bironas

If you don't wait 'til the last two rounds to draft your defense and kicker (assuming fairly normal league rules), you're bad at fantasy football. I don't care what you say.

Now that I've geeked out in almost every way I know how, I'm going to go watch yesterday's episode of Breaking Bad, which I downloaded illegally. 

because this blog needs more music

i've been a huge passion pit fan for a long time.  the first time i heard this song (1st one below) i absolutely fell in love with it.



so i ventured into the unchartered territory of discovering, listening, and loving passion pit.  that led me to this song:



but man.  the music just keeps getting better.  i'll admit that i don't always keep up with when bands/artists drop new records.  so when pandora randomly stumbled upon this gem.  i just.  no words. lyrically the song is brilliant.  the hook at the beginning reeled me in.  then the chorus.  just too catchy.



hopefully you like this half as much as i do.

also: my semester has been awesome thus far.  i think it really is true what they say: the farther you go in education, the more you cater to your actual interests.  the more you focus on your actual interests, the more that you enjoy it.  i know it's kind of weird, but being paid to go to school to do stuff i love.  it actually makes school fun and enjoyable.  not to be a negative nancy, but three years ago if you had asked my opinion on that while at the u of m, i never would have written what i just did.  it's kind of funny to think how--in all actuality--we are still so young and have no idea what the future holds.  i couldn't even being to explain how much life has changed in the last 3 years.  i can only begin to guess how much more different it will be in 3 more years.

stay classy, blogosphere.

i think i might blog about this

i just got back from the grocery store.  all i needed were two things: a gallon of milk and some pork strips for stir fry tomorrow.

so i picked up those two items and headed to the check-out line.  behold!  a line with only one person with a handful of items?  i'll choose this one!

now you all may or may not remember a previous post in which i ranted about how i don't care if i have to wait in line to get groceries.  this is not a rant about waiting.  instead, this is a rant about really fun customers. it reminded me of the good ol' days when bockmed and i ruled the jungle otherwise known as arby's.

the man i chose to get in line behind was in a grocery store scooter.  you know, the ones that are made for handicapped people.  i'll give the man credit: unlike 98% of other people i see at grocery stores using scooters whose "disability" is being morbidly obese, this man had a legitimate physical impediment.  he was about 80 years old and rather frail.  his wrinkly hands shook as he lifted canned goods towards the cashier.  i could genuinely feel his back pain as a winced while reaching to get his wallet.

but, for the love of god, he did not appear to have any kind of mental limitation.  he was courteous, friendly, chatty, and amicable while putting his goods on the counter.  but when it came time to pay...i just had to facepalm.

cashier: "your total is $10.12."
(old man reaches into pocket, SLAMS a bunch of coins on the counter, and suddenly shifted from his sharp-as-a-tack playful wit to a man apparently hard of hearing): "THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO COVER IT!"
cashier, counting coins: "sir, you gave me 78 cents."
old man: "I OWE 78 CENTS?"
cashier: "no, sir, you only gave me 78 cents."
(old man reaches into pocket, SLAMS more coins on the counter): "THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF IT."
cashier: "sir, you only gave me an additional dollar and four cents.  you still owe $8.30."
(old man reaches into wallet, throws paper currency on counter)
cashier: "sir, that was a dollar."
old man: "IS THAT ENOUGH?"
cashier: "you still owe $7.30."
(old man reaches into pocket, slides something across the counter)
cashier: "sir, you just gave me 6 cents. [editors note: SERIOUSLY????] that was only a nickel and a penny.  do you have another $7.24?"
old man: "I GOT IT RIGHT HERE."
(old man proceeds to place a crumpled up ball of paper currency on the counter)
(as cashier unfolds ball of paper currency, coins begin to fall out of the middle)
cashier: "sir, that was $6.20.  you only owe an additional $1.04.  do you have that tonight?"
old man: "I HAVE A COUPON FOR THE OLIVES."
(cashier swipes coupon): "great! i just need an additional 64 cents."
(old man reaches yet again into pocket and pulls out 64 cents worth of pennies and nickels)

as the old man scooted away, i felt really bad for the poor cashier.  when i reached the counter, it looked like a bukkake scene from hell if instead of shooting out loads of semen men ejaculated spare change.  it was a disaster.  i tried to cheer the poor girl up.

ahmed: "well, at least he didn't pay in all coins?"

so today's tip of the hat goes to YOU, dear grocery check-out girl.  you had the patience of a saint, the customer service of a seasoned veteran, and the math skills of an MIT accountant.  thank you for letting me see firsthand the professionalism that is often missing in lower-level unskilled positions.  good work!

So I just got a haircut

Why'd you only get one hair cut? haherpdederp. Because hair can be fucking plural. That's why.

Because I'm a man, and a simple one at that, I get my hair cut at Great Clips. The following is the conversation I had with my cosmetologist when I walked in:

Hi! Welcome to Great Clips, my name is Juniper (it wasn't)! What do you need today [paraphrasing]?

Just a haircut.

Have you been here before?

Yup.

Can I get your phone number? (If she had asked me this at a bar, I would have given it to her just the same. She was kinda cute.)

*tells her cell phone number* (because it's the one I use at a different location, assuming all their databases are synched together)

Oh. It doesn't seem to be in the system. Might it be under a different number?

Why don't we just start fresh with that number? (I knew I would be under my old home phone number (which has long since been disconnected), along with my whole family)

Yada yada. Something about keeping our notes. Can I get your last name? [more paraphrasing]

Yeah, it's Lastname. L-a-s-t-n-a-m-e.

*Reads back old home phone number. Names off my siblings, father and a foreign exchange student who lived with us when I was in 5th grade.*

*looks confused/indifferent*

Is that right? Do you know them?

Yeah, I know them. But that's not me. (again, I'm a simple man)

No. Right. You're in there with them. Bockmed, right?

Yup.

Could I get your new number again.

*repeats cell phone number*

Alright then, Bockmed, come back with me. We're the second chair here on the right.



*******scene.********

Now if anyone in my family goes to that Great Clips, they'll be under my cell phone number. So much unnecessary confusion...




I'm sorry Juniper.